being alone for the first day got me thinking, what have i been doing to myself lately? just being stupidly lame and wanting something i cant get? yes, thats exactly what i've been doing. i should break out of this stupid shell and for Gods sake forget about the past. the past cant be forgotten, yes but heck, we all still have to move on yes? sigh ... moving on has been the hardest thing for me to do. trying to cover it up by cutting, drinking, getting a lil high, sleeping around and piercing. what a lame ass you would say and i would agree.

this is no easy task, no one said it was. if only i could forget the past and stop reminicing about it. things would be so much easier. unfortunately for me, things haven't been so ... easy going lately.

everyone from the apartment has gone back to kk except me. it's like being in a country you've known for so long yet having only two really close friends.

it's just tough for me suddenly going through this state out of the blue when everyones gone. everything feels so empty. if only i socialized more and got to know more friends.

i'm currently on the run from malaysia. closest i can go to is singapore. so i'm off to singapore on the 23rd december and probably back by the end of the weekend. hopefully ill still be alive when i get back.

everythings a mess. you know it.
rick.

i worked today. 12 hours straight on my off day. only got payed rm100 from rm130 the amount im suppose to get payed working for 12 hours. but it was good. got to see some really really hot chicks. there was this one girl that caught my eye. she was always staring at me but the reason why i didnt approach her is because she was married! sigh ... she looked just like jac. but prettier and more mature of course. it's one of those girls that you wont forget for a few days. that you would keep her in your head for quite awhile until you forget about her. sigh, i wish i had a photo of her in my phone. she definitely stands out among all the other girls in the restaurant. oh yes, i worked in MangoTree Restaurant. it was good. after work, samir, sookie, alin and i drank booze until were satisfied before going home. alin was a nice malay girl, a friends of sookie. sweet and adorable. fun to make fun of! heehe she's just plain cute. then on the way home we met JAIV in a roadblock! hahaha coincidence! lol

anyhoooo ... like i said before, people can talk crap but hey, they cant take it themselves thats why they talk crap about other people to make themself feel better. i mean, you want to talk all that crap to me, and i actually just stood there and nodded my head and smiled, and when YOU want my help, you'd be so fucking nice to me and play Mr.nice guy? god, some people really cant take what they actually say when it is shot back at them. hey, now you know how i fucking feel, treat other people with respect and they will be treating you the same when you need something. i took in whatever i could before, i just couldnt take anymore criticism or shit for anyone anymore from a long days work. so yeah. thats that.

other than that .... i still miss her. sigh. it's her little things ... you know? like the girl i saw tonight. sigh ... its just her face and her beautiful smile. omg, her smile was way way different and i loved the way she smiled. even her lips were so ... sigh ... dreaming dreaming

back to reality, derrick is still single and missing his ex, pathetic.
rick.

i woke up this morning, trying to hide my melancholy. i joined you for breakfast and we continued our lie. everyday it is similar, you are cheery and so am i. our terrible lie. can u imagine a time when we wake up and did not speak, realizing our moods would cause tension cause by too little life? i do wish sometimes as i leave for work sullenly dreading the day already weeping far within. the lie, terrible and unending would cease to be and i would know the real you and you, the real me. but, the lie drags on for now for it is not written in the stars and perhaps it will never be. i am my own companion. the dreaded trurth gathered in a life time sentenced for and enternity realized too late.

lately i've been really ... lost. i know i have not "look or sound" lost but i surely am inside. it's a feeling i dont think i could ever explain. it's like you're missing something in your life. it's like it will never be complete. i know it's human nature to always want. greed. but heck, recently it's really been ... ups and downs for me. i feel like i've broked more hearts in a month than any normal person would. it just pains me inside that i am this kind of person that would just not take ... sigh ... would just not take himself seriously.

sometimes it's really hard to fake it around people you know and care about. the constant jokes and humility just kicks in all of a sudden but heck, as a friend you'll just have to keep it in and laugh it up or else everyone else will call you a spoilt sport. i've been on this earth long enough to know how friendship goes. 19 years of pure mayhem towards friends, family, enemies, lovers, bastards and ex's.

i just wish i could end it all but hey, if it was that easy, we wouldnt be having dreams now would we? everything is and has been a challenge for me. what a wonderful path i have walked ever since i was born. the happiness, sadness, tears, sarcasm, fights, love, sex, and much more. sigh.

i still dont know why but there will always be an emptiness in me. i just dont know what is it so i can fill it up and not feel this way. sigh...im lost.

rick.